Wolfing versus Foxxing
We dont agree on some definitions and at times this is quite problematic. The term “wolfing” at Twin Oaks means one of at least two things: 1) The behavior of any member who starts a romantic or sexual relationship with any visitor. 2) The predatory behavior of male members to get typically younger female visitors to have sex with them during their visitor period.
As you can imagine, the difference in the definition matters significantly. Almost everyone has trouble with the second definition. Lots of people think it is not a very big deal if a visitor sleeps with a member, it happens often and mostly everyone is happy about it (or at least okay with it). But in the fairly rare case of predatory wolfing, the community goes into a buzz about the behavior.
So i wanted to coin a term to reduce the confusion. Foxxing is when there is a mutually consented healthy romantic and/or sexual liaison between a member and a visitor. Wolfing is when a member misuses their power and diminishes consent.
We don’t want to be the sex police. We don’t want to tell people how to conduct their amorous affairs. And at times especially women members have felt a need to warn female visitors about wolfing behavior. And sometimes this has landed strangely and at other times it has confirmed the visitors suspicions and helped get of harms way.
The problem of course is who judges? I am comfortable putting out a guideline, which might be “Don’t engage in romantic/sexual encounters with visitors if it does not feel mutual and consensual or if it will interfere with their visitor experience significantly.”
And the second condition, this new romance getting in the way of the visitor experience is really only important when the visitor wants to live here. If someone comes for our three week visitor program and has no intention of living here, then what happens during their visitor period is principally their business. Should they choose to be looked up every night staring longingly into their new loves eyes, great – have at. But if the person wants to live here a honeymoon can be toxic to their chances, even if it is a healthy relationship.
There is miles on this, but i will let it go here. Steve Job’s died and Sarah Palin is not running for president, strange day.